Funny Status Messages

   I just had to ask myself, "What would a competent person do in this situation?"

   People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.

   I think people would be less likely to piss me off if they knew how much I watch Forensic Files

   I choose my outfit with great care every day, because if today is the day I become a zombie, these are the clothes I'll be wearing forever.

   ""When people cut you down. Or talk behind your back. remember they took time out of their pathetic lives, To think about you.""

   My wax museum is going to start small by focusing on famous people who look like candles.

   I need to do laundry so bad I'm actually wearing Christmas stockings

   I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge. :(

   There's now a Taco Bell taco with a shell made out of Doritos?,, Hmmm, It seems that our junk foods have started hunting each other.

   Dear Life, I have a complete grasp on the fact that you are not fair... so please quit teaching me that lesson.

   I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.

   Oh, you love your boyfriend? Please, go ahead and saturate my Facebook news feed with your feelings.

   Whoever said Diamond are a girls best friend........Obviously never bought one a detachable showerhead.

   It's so hot outside! I've been out here 10 minutes and I'm already wetter then Kim Kardashian at the BET Awards.

   How come when people fill out applications, under "Emergency Contact," nobody ever puts "911"?

   Here is a quick math lesson for NBA players...50% of $1 billion is a lot more than 52% of nothing!

   Everybody deserves second chances, but not for the same mistakes.

   You know you need sleep when you feel drunk without having actually had any alcohol.

   Dear clever comeback, can you come BEFORE the argument is over. Thanks!

   “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.” ― Rodney Dangerfield