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I want to be a pharmacist. Just so I can yell "Now take your suppositories and shove'em straight up your a$$!" 
Changed your status to complicated? Can't decide which hand to use?
Teacher: You failed the test! Me: You failed to educate me.
NASCAR in Kentucky, I have not seen this many rednecks fired up about something since RedMan started using resealable pouches.
I bet Chick-fil-A is disappointing to a cannibal...misleading at best...
Whats the difference between a peeping tom and a pickpocket? A pickpocket snatches watches......
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the 'S'
put a number on it by looking up the route on a fare-finding site….So it would've cost Will Smith about $8,356.96 to get from West Philly to Bel-Air!! Dang Uncle Phil was really loaded then!!!
Mirror: You look amazing. Camera: I don't think so... Friends: Hey you, someone looks beautiful! Self-esteem: You're ugly.
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks....... To.the alligators
"Happy last earth day" ~ Mayans
"The View" is pointless. Those ladies need to stop talking about politics and start passing around sandwich recipes.
My only argument with using the treadmill,, is that I can't run away from my farts.
Oral sex is a beautiful way to say good night.
Even as we speak, the Fine Young Cannibals try to find a way to revive their careers in light of recent news stories on cannibalism.
Giving your friend “the look” when you see someone attractive.
Its a t!t bit nipply outside... I breast go in where its a little bit hooter
When I'm drunk I just hit any buttons and put my faith in autocorrect.
Be a lady's man, not a ladies man.
i was reading this article by Oprah and she said her life began at 50, I think what she meant is she weighed 50 pounds when she was born 