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For you GRINGOS who want to celebrate Cinco de Mayo the right way, you'll need the following: A Loud Mariachi Band, Fajitas, Chihuahua Races in the Backyard, Have all of your guests carpool in one car, and lots of Corona and Tequila! ¡Viva la raza! 
My sleep number is a fat blunt
Just wants to make it clear...white men leave their kids too...
I'll keep my guns, my freedom, my money. You can keep the change!!!
" to be taken three times a day, with water "
I was going to let you in front of me, but then I saw your Obama bumper & decided I didn't need a stupid driver in front of me this morning.
just wanted to say "Thank you" to those of you have faithfully cracked me up when I pop in here. Off to wipe coffee of my screen again.
swimming less than 30 minutes after a meal.
I watch pom. I know that you misread that, didn`t you?
You know what I hate? When you're in somebody's house and you see a tin of Celebrations - you sneak the lid off and its a f*cking sewing kit.
Boys make excuses, men make changes...
There is always this person on Facebook who thinks he/she can teach you the meaning of life in a two sentence status and you're like'Deep, real deep''.
I had a bad day: I need a drink I had a good day: I deserve a drink Blah Blah something something: Let's have a drink
☐ Single ☐ Taken ☑ Want Some Bacon
Glass blowers always go glass to mouth
I'd like a $5 dollar footlong"....."That'll be 7.05"....."Bi$ch what??
My driver's license says I'm an organ donor but jokes on them because I'm actually a bass player.
yes, people who are incredible still have to take out the trash - Mrs. Hulk
ok boys The proper response to give when a girl at the bar agrees to give you her phone number is not "wow, really?"
I need a lot of coffee to start the day and a lot of booze to end it. 