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Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic. 
..... Apparently Ben Carson did the best in tonight's Debate ....
If the Apple/FBI conflict proves anything, it's that the NSA really doesn't have all of your personal information like people claim...
I am an acquired taste. If you don't like me, acquire some taste.
I was a young rebel as a toddler. I smoked candy cigarettes and took tic-tacs.
Unicorns are real -- They're just fat, grey and we call them Rhinos.
Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.
For those that don't know, I'm getting married on May 7th. Since it's short notice don't worry about bringing wedding gifts, just bring someone for me to marry. Thanks
3 AM Phone Call: Hey are you asleep? – No, I was in coma thank you for rescuing me!!!
My family's recipe for lasagna has been handed down for generations: 1) Collect the freshest ingredients. 2) Find a woman cook it. 3) Eat....
I should be thwarting evil or something. I never get to thwart anything. I believe I could thwart.
I want to be the reason you cry when you see a happy couple.
A girl I barely know told me I should shave my beard, I told her she should lose 20lbs. I'll never have to hear her complain about not liking it again
In Australia we don't have therapists, we have things called pubs.
Clearly if you have to blame yourself, you're not hanging out with enough people.
" Don't forget to provide love and support to someone that has absolutely no interest in you today." I don't guarantee your front teeth after that.
She's saving herself for marriage, I'm saving myself for divorce.
If you can't handle my Kung Fu noises in the bedroom, then it's probably not going to work out.
If you have never fantasized about murdering me you've never been my girlfriend.
If a girl ever tells you to your face that you can’t afford her-listen to her. No matter how rich or poor you are, she is too cheap for you. 