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That moment when you wake up the next morning laying in bed next to the one you just fell in love with and you lay there trying to remember their name? GOD I MISS MY 20'S! 
To unsubscribe from our mailing list, please catch a wild bear and bring it to our headquarters where you will have to wrestle it and win
Gardening would be a great hobby if I didn't hate plants or going outside or doing things
Has anyone ever checked their credit score and got a sad face emoji in place of the number? Asking for a friend.
I love my women like I love my coffee beans. Thrown into a burlap sack and transported illegally across Central America.
Besides watermelon, there should be airmelon, firemelon, and earthmelon.... The four elemelons.
If I don't catch you sniffing a pair of my panties, are we really even cousins?
Carolina's goin' down like a Two-Dollar Ho.
I used to think the word "ostracized" was "ostrich-sized" and I was always like: "Good! Keep that bird-bodied weirdo away from me!"
MAKE AMERICA DRUNK AGAIN - thats the only way we are going to get through this election.
[wife comes home from work] "why havent you done any of the things I asked you to" [the dog walks past dressed as a policeman] ive been busy
Just spent 15 minutes searching for the remote to my surround sound receiver.. Couldn't find it so in frustration I went up and manually pushed the power button. What is this world coming too????
earth has people who have done great things like go to the moon and discover pizza then it has idiots who have spent money on selfie sticks.
Yes I will disappoint you, but I will disappoint you with style.
So much anxiety, so little weed!
Going in to talk to my financial advisor feels a lot like going in to talk to my middle school principal.
If you don’t catch me before I take off my bra, then all plans are off.
If you can moonwalk, that better be the first thing I know about you.
Every loaf of bread is a tragic story about grains of wheat that could've become beer, but didn't.
I said I was hungry, she thought I said I was horny. Long story short, best first date ever.. 