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Babies are the two extremes on the spectrum of smell. They either smell like heaven filled with lollipops or a microwaved porta-potty. 
My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.
If you're the type of person who says "surprise me" to your waiter, then, Surprise! Your waiter hates you!
You use Google every day but I bet you can't remember the order of the colors
You would have no idea that I have a College Degree based on how many times I push when it says “pull”.
When people say they can't do something because their hands are full I always hope their hands are full of twinkies.
my speedo disappeared under my belly, I look naked....decisions, decisions, either stop swimmin or diet..yeah, no swimming this yr
Some say I have the body of a 60 year old man, others say I have the body of a 13 year old girl. All I can say is, The police found nothing!
Am I allowed to see the Hunger Games on a full stomach?
If I give you a tour of my house, in every room I'll say, "This is where the magic happens!",,, and you'll feel super weird about it.
Depending on whether I win the Mega Millions..... I'll either be having my birthday party this year at the Space Station or the local VFW. Standby
My daily needs: Food 20% + Water 5% + Sleep 15% + Internet- 60%.
We may hate drunk people, but at the end of the day, they are the ONLY ones who speak the real TRUTH!
has lost her mood ring and is not sure how she should feel about this..
If you're happy and you know it...I'll have whatever it is you're drinking! :P
Hip Hop in the 90s was more simple. You always knew you could find all the party people in the house.
I did really well when I worked at the carnival. I guessed people's temperature within 5 degrees
Ladies: There is no sign language in love. If he didn't say it, he didn't mean it. Stop assuming and putting words into his mouth.
Realizing my office stash of vodka is gone... this is what it feels like when doves cry.
What do the Chicago Cubs and possums have in common? Both play dead at home and both get killed on the road! 