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HOW TO CONTROL PEOPLE: Repeatedly lie to people about a "life-ending event" in the basis of religion enough times to where they slighty believe you and have them talk about it all over the world. 
installing SKYNET.... ████████████░░░░░░░░░ 49% DONE. Errors found....decompressing...... Installation failed. Please try again in 2012. *doh*
If the eyes are the window to our soul... I better pluck mine out.
Those women on the Real Housewives. I'm not sure what's more fake: their personalities or their breasts
You should come with a warning sign and possibly one of those flashing red DANGER AHEAD lights.
whenver ur alone & need a hug, just remember....so does a cactus
The Catholic Church is in shock over something that hasn't occurred since 1415 AD. It ran out of mix for its annual Pancake Breakfast.
I assume Cupid saw his shadow this year...
Remember the old days? When you use to be able to throw a hooker out of a moving car, and they'd charge her with littering.
From the first time I met you I knew that I have to run away from you for the rest of my life
Kristen Stewart doesn't get enough credit for her acting ability. I thought she was great as Harry Potter's wand.
Depression is the new religion.
You inspire my inner serial killer.
you know a woman really loves you when she vandalizes your car after an argument.
Be beautiful on the inside.....eat more glitter!!
Top 3 forms of birth control: 1. Condoms. 2. the pill. 3. Crocs.
I've always been told to dress for the job you want. I love my cape
What's the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus? One has a moustache and smells of fish and the other one is a walrus.
GIRLFRIEND: “You're leaving after I gave you the best years of my life?” ME: “If those were your best, then I ain’t sticking around for your worst.”
SITTING at a stop light and had a group of cute ladies stop next to me and wave. I smiled and waved back, only to soon realize they were waving at the guys in the Camero on my right. Felt like high school all over again... 