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You know it's going to be a great story when it starts out with "So, this damn bi&ch..." 
Its cold enough to chip a nipple...
These days: Smart Phones, Stupid People
I'll be the sinner if you be the sin.
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
Alcohol is god's way of telling you you're pretty.
Warning Ladies: Alcohol may cause the following side effects: 1. Compulsive giggling. 2. Delusions of awesomeness. 3. Temporary lesbianism.
never gotten the amount of cheese grated on my pasta I want in a restaurant because I feel guilty when the waiter starts looking fatigued
I spend my weekends random dialling women in the phone book and telling them their pillows smell nice.
I wish weekends went by like microwave minutes
It's hilarious how sensitive people get when you ignore them....ON FACEBOOK!
What do you call sex on a Greyhound bus? The 3 foot high club!
I'll explain my status update right after you explain why you're so ignorant.
So Rihanna is in a new movie playing an assassin.. If anyone knows something about being a hit woman, it's Rihanna.
69: because giving each other happy endings at the same time is very mature.
Just remember this holiday season, if you say "May you kiss may ass" really fast, it sound just like "Merry Christmas"..
My new GF: "Wow, look at all this beer you have in your fridge. You must love to drink." Me: "No, I just hate to run out of beer."
What doesn't kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren't good enough for death.
Sorry, parents of ugly children on Facebook, those Christmas sweaters didn't help; just made them uglier in a festive way.
it's not fair how a woman never knows what she's gonna get til his pants are off 