Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
what's the difference between a bachelor and a husband? a bachelor comes home, sees what is in the fridge, then goes to bed. a husband comes home, sees what is in the bed, then goes to the fridge. 
My keyboard needs a removable crumb tray like my toaster
Karma is like 69: You get, what you give.
Aren't you glad you no longer have that “Call Me Maybe” song in your head? Oops. Sorry.
Tom cruise is going to leave Scientology? Will he take the Bullet or the beating- or the massage from john travolta?
"DONE!" - Color blind person solving a Rubik's Cube
looking for a good retractable leash. when I walk my turtle I hate when it gets to far ahead of me
Remember that weird kid who ate boogers in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! ,,Just kidding, He died......... (come on,,he ate boogers)
The Mayans have predicted that the world will end on December 21st 2012. I keep thinking I should make some kind of preparation for survival. But then I've only just finished the last can of baked beans I bought for the Millennium Bug.
I told Santa what I wanted for Christmas, now I'm on the naughty list
My girl told me that in some cultures women don’t mow the lawn and I told her in some cultures women go to work and earn their own money for shopping. She outside busy mowing the lawn now.
"Well, she told me to fist her" - Chris Brown
And the winner for the best reader of a teleprompter award goes to...
I flexed my muscles at this girl and my shirt ripped. Yeah, her boyfriend ripped it while he was kicking my ass.
I'm only going to be online until I get off.
This girl on Facebook is dying her hair blonde tonight. Omg she's nervous, you guys.
Seriously, do I look like a Valentine's person?
Parker Brothers has replaced the Iron game piece in Monopoly with a cat. In response, Mattel has replaced the word "Yes" in the Magic 8 Ball with "Fo Shizzle!"
The other day I went so far back into someone's timeline I ended up on their MySpace page.
I think I might have had a wee bit too much green beer last night. I woke up this morning next to Paddy O’Furniture. 