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Women need a reason to have sex.. Men just need a place 
Nothing scares the government quiet like an educated citizen...
purchased $1,000 worth of beer, drank all the beer, turned in the aluminum cans for recycling, you would have $214.00. Therefore, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg Plan!
Life, Karma and Payback walk into a bar. BlTCH NIGHT OUT!
I bet she's being a royal pain in the ass right about now.
I had a minute left on the car vac timer, so I vacuumed out my dandruff. If that isn't efficiency, I don't know what is.
Everyone pretends to die in front of their dog, just to see how they would react
it just me or do country line dancers look like redneck zombies??
My pre-nup will indicate that I'm allowed to unplug her life support system should my phone need charging....
I was going to post a status about pizza but it was too cheezy
"Sure, why not" - Nicolas Cage being offered any role for any movie
What girls age 18-22 lack in personality and sexual skills, they more than make up for by being incredibly gullible and naive.
Most girls want a polite thug... A dude who will open the door for her but will still smack that ass as she walks past.
My wife is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and currently looking over my shoulder
Every time a cat dies, somewhere out there "Curiosity" is high-fiving his buddies.
That yellow shirt looks good on you... It really brings out the color in your teeth.
Drunks arguing over music will probably be one of the rooms in hell.
Called my teacher "mom" today....my teacher is a guy.
Mom: you're all dressed up, where are you going? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new facebook picture.
The number two cause of death among teenagers in America today are guns. The number one cause of death? Not having a gun. 