Funny Status Messages

   I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.

   Spilling a full drink you just paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.

   I'm pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison

   Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

   I haven't gotten a handjob in forever, but when I saw my wife beating a can of biscuits on the kitchen counter, I remebered why.

   Politicians should be limited to two terms. One in office and one in prison.

   I've never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.

   I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I'll be notified immediately.

   Some things are so awkward to say, but so easy to text message.

   Lazy rule #35: If you spill some water, it will eventually dry.

   I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

   Phones get thinner and smarter, and people?! We get fatter and stupid.

   They're coming out with a line of Kardashian Barbie Dolls. As if the actual Kardashians aren't fake enough.

   Why do I have to take medication to stop me from slapping people who should be on medication?

   On average I spend $75 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

   So I read 600,000 facebook accounts get hacked in a day... I must be lucky - I get a free ipad 2 just by entering my password and credit card information.

   Hey, don't wear skinny jeans if you have a big head. You look like a Pez dispenser.

   I think it's cute how my bankruptcy attorney thinks I'm going to pay him!

   Nothing says "I've made poor life decisions" like a couch in your front yard.

   That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you're moving.