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Just found out I lost my concealed weapon permit, this means I can no longer wear pants in the state of Texas! 
Sesame Street YouTube channel hacked, videos replaced with porn. I don't want to tell you what the letter ˝C˝ stand for.
Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? A:About 45 pounds!!
It's fascinating that a creature can begin as a caterpillar and end as a stepped-on caterpillar
everybody is always the same thing for Halloween...drunk as sh*t
I dont know wheather to rake or shovel...
Taking my tripwire down now, it was a blast watching tick or treaters faceplant on my porch!
Snooki's like a basketball: Orange and passed around by a bunch of sweaty guys.
You might have moves like Jagger....Me, at my age, have moves like jello!!
Time to clean my room: 50% listening to music & dancing around, 49% being lazy, 1% just standing.
"Luke, I'm like totally your father. Party on." ~~Garth Vader
When some girls says, "I'm sexy and I know it" it usually means, "She's slutty and she blows it."
Alcohol was created as a social lubricant, to make men brave and women loose.
Eskimos have 49 words in their language to describe snow because they have so much of it. In the English language there are over 50 words to describe a moron.
Damn Guess it's time to get out of the tub, my phones almost dead.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I'm one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Would it be ironic if you died in the living room?
Taylor Swift should write a song called "maybe I'm the problem"
There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no beer. And without beer, I'll kill you all. 