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People who have an option to sleep but are still jogging at 6 in the morning in this cold. *slow clap* 
Bieber fever begins with a rash on your gentials that quickly spreads to the brain.
There's a rumor going around that Google will be changing it's name to Skynet.
Jay Cutler's protection fails him again!!
[at job interview] "As I explained to everyone in the lobby, if I get the job, I'll buy pants. It's simple."
ever wonder if someone trusts you? grab the hammer & say "hold the nail"
4-year-olds can be a pain in the ass. 4-year old nice: “Why don’t you wear makeup?” Me: “Because I don’t need to. I’m a boy.” 4-year old nice: “Do you enjoy being ugly?”
"This chick on Instagram posts so many pictures of her boyfriend I feel like I’m dating him."
I remember back in the 70's when Yoga was called Twister. . .
New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
I already want to take a nap tomorrow.
I can take care of my enemies.....but lord, please protect me from my friends ~ Unknown
I suspect that my local Wal-Mart's selling knock-off canned spaghetti... I'd investigate,, but I'm worried it'll open a whole can of worms.
I have a problem with huffing brake fluid but don't worry. I can stop any time.
A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy. Sadly that part of me is a liar
I bet you'll never see a fight break out in marijuana clubs.........
If you suddenly find 715 new planets, is that a discovery or were you just not looking hard enough in the first place?
Mardi Gras reminds me how much inflation changes things. Beads used to buy you the island of Manhattan, now you only get two coconuts
People! Relax! Subway foot longs ARE foot longs. You just have to measure from the balls.
The longer I sit on this bidet at The Olive Garden,,, the more it looks like it's just a sink. 