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Why did Adele cross the street? To say hello from other side 
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case, coincidence? I think not.
A priest, a rabbi and a clown walk into a bar, and the bartender says: "Is this some kind of joke?"
Man Rule #6......Men's Olympic Swimming events are the ''Only'' I repeat ''Only'' time speedo's are allowed!!!
So the Clinton's postion on gay marriage has "evolved" and they are now in support of it. I'm confused, haven't they been in a gay marriage since 1975
Can the next terrorist bomb the westboro baptist church? That would be kinda cool actually
Forget ghosts, forget snakes, forget spiders, forget aliens, forget monsters, forget zombies, The real danger to a human life is often posed by another human. Evil walks among us in human form everyday. We are just too blind to see it sometimes.
90% Of men have no taste or standards they just wanna get laid.
Just got back from Sam's Club - got a great new electric piano, 19 pack of BBQ lighters, and an impulse kayak - damn forgot milk!
New STD called, FEELINGS. Dont catch that s&it.
I hate when I'm at someone's house & they ask stupid questions like "Who are you?" "How did you get in?" And "Is that a gun?
Tip: To avoid butterflies in your stomach,,, don't eat caterpillars.
I was just about to poach an elephant the other day, when I suddenly thought to myself, "I'm gonna need a bigger saucepan."
Why do shampoo bottles have to say 'Lather, Rinse, Repeat' on them? My blonde girlfriend has been in the shower for 2 weeks now.
Let us all take a moment, and be thankful that spiders can't fly.
I've noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I'm getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
Whenever I see fire truck rushing somewhere in the rain, I'm confused as to how the sky didn't already do the job.
I can't believe my girlfriend called me a two-timer....That's a lie! I've cheated on her hundreds of times.
I just Googled "Myspace" and google said, "Did you mean FACEBOOK."
Just for the record, I don't own a turntable anymore. 