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My Crocs say I'm always down for a good time but my fanny pack lets you know I'm prepared for anything. 
no matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster
Today is full of possibilities and I have a strong feeling none of them are mine.
Dolly Madison , you're on the bench ..... Little Debbie , suit up , you`re on .........
That mini heart attack you get when you reach in your pocket and your phone isn't there.
How do you know when your pet rock dies?
Denial (n.) Balding men with ponytails.
Keep an extra condom in your wallet, you'll never know when you have to shut her kids up with a balloon dog.
someday i'll get that abacus. you can count on it
Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn't sing it out loud in public.
Ask someone if they will watch your bike for you and dont leave. Just stand there and watch your bike with your new friend
Remember when the History channel use to show history stuff? -MTV
I'm a male so my hobbies include not listening when you talk to me and consistently forgetting birthdays and anniversaries.
You better put a condom on , if you're gonna act like a d!ck you need to dress like one.
tired of people giving me a skewed or heart-wrenching fact, then asking me to post it as my status, THEN mysteriously having the clarvoyance to tell me what percent of people won't post it as their status. HONK if this annoys you!
There are [0/1 (52x^7/2 – 66x^5/2 + 22x^3/2) / vx) dx] kinds of people in this World...Those who understand Calculus and those Who Don't !
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain
just had a work email from someone asking to "bare with me" until the system is back up. I replied that I didn't see how nudity would fix the problem.
Thinks the person who came up with the phrase "some assembly required" never tried to assemble anything!
Life is the art of drawing without an eraser.
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