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One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep $hit. 
what's all the fuss about a fake girlfriend? Every girl I know is fake...
OK scientists... Bacon flavored soda... and go
Ladies, don't believe the magazines. Men don't like skinny women who starve themselves. They love women who are pretty & starve themselves.
There's a first time for everything. Except déjà vu.
It looks like the Mayans correctly predicted the day that two women at a Wal-Mart in Marietta, Georgia simultaneously reach for the last box of Twinkies on Earth.
I heard my first holiday ringtone this morning while waiting for coffee. If anyone asks, I was with you guys between the hours 7 and 10 am.
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
All I want for Christmas is you.... to get run over by a reindeer!!!
I wonder if Colorado or Washington girl scouts can make "special cookies" to sale along with the others
You are born to move mountains but you're still stuck on rocks.
Thanks to all you that could join my FLASH MOB in London. WE DID IT!!!
Won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then I realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom.
Never trust a dog to guard your food.
Somewhere in London, a princess is pooping on a delivery table. Just keeping it real, folks.
It’s almost August and I’ve accomplished nothing.
I'm running out of people I can tolerate!
If Eve doomed the entire human race for an apple, what would she do for a Klondike bar?
No, I don’t want to see your tattoo. I’m not in the mood to lie about how nice it is.
I don't play guitar, but I sure would pluck your G-string. 