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Did you know that the average person gains 4 pounds between Thanksgiving and Christmas? Good thing my mom told me I would never be average. 
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it's a technical problem. Keep trying.
Ever danced so badly that the dog dry heaved?... * Asking for a friend.
While drunk me would love to grab your butt...sober me would probably agree
Wife: how did you get all that dirt under your fingernails? Me: it's brownies.
If you'd like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
I got a Valentine Day card that kind of creeped me out today....... It was from my proctologist.
Okay, I'm just going to admit it. I'm kinda disappointed this "Friends Day" video that everyone is posting has absolutely nothing to do with Jennifer Aniston. #mycelebritycrush
Sometimes I fantasize about being a Golden Retriever in an upper class family.
Girl Guides selling cookies: America's most successful crack dealers.
Shoot!!! I didn't know February 6th was National Lame Duck Day.
I need to lose 20 pounds, make $30,000 and sleep for 4 days all before tomorrow.
As a little joke I put glitter in my tax-return envelope and the IRS responded with a little joke that I owe $ 11,000 in back taxes.
The only exercise I have done this month is running out of money.
Dogs: I had sex with your pillow all night.
Shoutout to all the girls who are curled up in a ball in their bed waiting for that goodnight text. Go to sleep, cuz he doesn't love you....
We are all mature adults until somebody brings out the bubble wrap.
am I the only person watching Fuller House waiting for Bob Saget to tell the daughters how he met their mother?
Survival Tip: if your wife cooks up "a mess of bacon" and puts it in the fridge, she has a plan. Do not make yourself an epic sandwich.
Some girls: "I hangout with guys, there's less drama." Guys: "I hangout with myself watching sports or Netflix. There's no drama and I don't have to wear pants." 