Funny Status Messages

   Who among us has not proclaimed into the whir of a fan, "Luke. I am your father."

   getting his eraser ready for two weeks of me putting 2010 on all my papers.

   just had a near death experience and other peoples' lives flashed before my eyes…I have GOT to stop being so f@#king nosey…

   Fool people into thinking you have a social life by going offline for a few hours.

   I knew I was drunk. I felt sophisticated and couldn't pronounce it.

   "The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office." - Robert Frost

   My boss asked me to take an anger management class today. I told him I was angry enough with management as it is!

   It's not an official disaster until Bono sings about it.

   read that Toyota is asking all Prius owners to return cars to the dealerships as slowly as they possibly can.

   If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

   thinks that, instead of 45 secs, they should limit tonight's Oscar acceptance speeches to the same as Twitter, 140 characters!!

   (insert random song lyrics that describe how I feel, even though nobody cares)

   Some guy in the NBA came out as gay. Let’s all talk about this irrelevant sh*t for a week now.

   Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.

   The hardest part of gift buying is convincing yourself you don't deserve the gift more than the person you're buying it for.

   Irony: Putting Jodi Arias on suicide watch while she's facing the death penalty?

   The final Twilight movie and Lincoln both opened the same weekend. One is about a shameful, dark chapter in our history we hope never will be repeated. The other is about a president.

   If I can punch you without moving my feet, you're in my personal space.

   A giant spider just attacked the back of my neck and then quickly morphed back into my t-shirt tag!

   If you think your child is annoying, imagine what I think.