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I just heard that the Japanese are going to clone a Woolly Mammoth discovered in Russia. Really Japan, really? Did you not learn anything from that time with Godzilla? 
You text me, I respond in 15 seconds, then apparently you die of excitement because 2 hours later I'm still waiting for a response
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Cheer Up Hillary Clinton. Nelson Mandela wasn’t elected president, until after serving 27 years in prison.
If you come up to my bedroom door and there is a sock on the door handle it means I'm having sex..... Probably with the other sock.
If you're not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you're probably boring.
One of the worst jobs in the world has to be a fruit stand vendor in an action movie..
Know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved when first dating? After 20 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"
3 people everyone hates: - Anyone asking questions when a meeting is about to end - Anyone who holds the elevator for anyone - Kanye West
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
I just read a list of 'the 100 things to do before you die'. I'm pretty surprised 'yell for help' wasn't one of them...
wonders why we dont have names for earthquakes
Sometimes the thoughts in my head get bored, and go for a stroll out through my mouth. This is rarely a good thing.
No one is listening until you fart.
exercising at work....banging your head against the wall can burn up to 150 calories per hour!
wonders When did LuLuLemon become the preferred clothing line for overweight and out of shape people?
I just got back from a mile long walk in your shoes and I still think you're a douche bag
First trick or treater at our house is this 5 year old girl I say "What a great costume Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is one of my favorites" she looks confused and says "I am snooki"
I'd be a millionaire if I could buy him for what I think of him and sell him for what he thinks of himself. 