Funny Status Messages

   The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.

   Yesterday my wife caught me checking out our hot new neighbor and all she had to say to me was, “It doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home".

   I'm so terrible at Chess. The only way I'll ever get to say "Checkmate" is if I eat at a restaurant in Australia.

   "Have fun" is just a nicer phrase for "have a horrible time without me."

   There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator

   Facebook's timeline is my favorite way to watch girls from high school get fat.

   Graduation speech: I would like to thank Wikipedia, and copy/paste. - I'm out bitc$es

   When I say "It's a long story," it doesn't mean it's actually a long story. It means I just don't want to tell you.

   You know as soon as my ''Swear Jar'' gets full, I'm going to use the money to get a Fking Puppy!!!

   It may appear like I'm doing nothing, but i'm actively waiting for my problems to go away!!!

   Oh I'm sorry, I forgot I only exist when you need something!

   People with full heads of hair that complain about grey hairs make me sick. It's like complaining that your Lamborghini gets terrible gas mileage.

   Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!

   Did you mean ASK or axe? 'Cause seriously, one is a murder weapon.

   According to the employee handbook, I'm only require to show up sober. It doesn't say I can't drink once I get here.

   Someone called me selfish and then paused as if they expected me to argue.

   Relax. If the Mayans were good at predicting the future, there would still be Mayans.

   I refuse to lower my standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.

   Nothing says 'I dont take you seriously' like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

   'Put that down you fat piece of sh*t' - the title of the dieting book I'm writing.