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I'm sorry but if someone busted out of my birthday cake, they better have another cake in their hands because I really like cake. 
There needs to be an app that deletes my memberships right before my free trials run out.
when did the country's concern for money go from Wall Street to Sesame Street?
I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don't have to go to family functions any more.
'Put that down you fat piece of sh*t' - the title of the dieting book I'm writing.
My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, and they're like "It wasn't that hard"
Just bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.
Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn't fix your face.
You know as soon as my ''Swear Jar'' gets full, I'm going to use the money to get a Fking Puppy!!!
It may appear like I'm doing nothing, but i'm actively waiting for my problems to go away!!!
Oh I'm sorry, I forgot I only exist when you need something!
People with full heads of hair that complain about grey hairs make me sick. It's like complaining that your Lamborghini gets terrible gas mileage.
Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!
Did you mean ASK or axe? 'Cause seriously, one is a murder weapon.
According to the employee handbook, I'm only require to show up sober. It doesn't say I can't drink once I get here.
Someone called me selfish and then paused as if they expected me to argue.
I call it a Cupcake Salad. And I don't see how it's any of your business.
Sylvester Stallone is in talks to make a new Rocky movie. In this one he will fight arthritis.
Only small children can get to sleep by counting sheep. The rest of us have to count our problems, mistakes, debts, relationship issues, enemies then eventually cry ourselves to sleep.
you know you have a drinking problem if the bartender knows your name.....and you've never even been to that bar before. 