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If I worked at Starbucks, I'd ask for your name then write it on the cup with quotation marks like I don't believe you. 
Forgot to close a finger quote. Sorry the last seven years sounded so sarcastic.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
There's 16 decorative pillows on her bed and crazy in her head.
*pulls up alongside you at a red light blasting an audio book
If nobody has unfriended, deleted, blocked or reported you to the Admin, then you are doing Facebook wrong.
I cooked for you. ~ a short horror story
"When you grow up and are paying all the bills, then you can make up arbitrary rules about why you get the last slice of bacon" ~ Me, parenting.
10 year old son: What was it like? ME: What was what like? SON: Being alive in the 1900's? ME: Go to your room.
Sometimes, I just want to leave everything behind and get hopelessly lost. *goes to Ikea*
I could talk for hours about how good of a listener I am...
When you text me and ask me what I'm doing and I tell you "nothing", that isn't an open invitation for you to suggest things for me to do. I already have plans. I'm doing NOTHING!!
I like my women like.oh never mind its all the same in the dark
Be right with you, I'm not quite through disappointing this person yet.
Sometimes when I'm in the shower I have epiphanies of intellectual brilliance. Other times I just think about chips and dip
It's so frustrating when your hitman doesn't answer the phone after you've made amends with someone
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
At my age being called adorable feels a lot like a challenge.
where the hell was Torreto???
What you see is what you get with me. Unless you see my snacks. 