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I've decided to nickname my fridge 'Facebook'. Because even if I know there's nothing there, I still check it every time I go into the room. 
at the beginning of spongebob the captain guy says "i cant hear you"...the Verizon guy keeps saying "can you hear me now?"....i wonder if the 2 are on the phone together
Throwing ice at people who need to chill the fu@k out.
got some pajama jeans..my wife said they make my ass look big.
Brownies cure frownies, this statement has not been evaluated by the FDA
I am the world's foremost authority on my own opinions.
I don't think I'll ever forgive the media for covering “Dancing with the Stars” like it's news.
I like you. I'm gonna put you on repeat til I get sick of you, then I'm gonna take you off my playlist.
I think my best friends and I abuse each other more than the people we actually hate.
Time Magazine names "The Protestor" as Person of the Year. If you disagree, congratulations, you just won Person of the Year!
Welcome to ATLANTA where we have three different sexes: Male, Female and Wendy Williams.
Grocery stores need a "1 case of beer" check out line.
How is it that people who think they know everything never know when to STFU?
When you upload photos to Facebook, I'd appreciate it if you tagged your hot friends. It makes stalking them much easier. Thank you.
Now they're saying cigarettes can cause rectal cancer. I'll be okay though, I'm always very careful to put them in my mouth.
If you can read but still watch The Jersey Shore, please donate your unused literacy to someone who might use it.
A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon.
What guys use pockets for: 7%: Putting stuff in it. 93%: Secretly scratching their balls.
Seeing a loser from your high school w/ a good job is like graffiti on a highway bridge... how the Hell did that get there?
I'm pretty sure the way my brother just depicted Oprah in Draw Something should be considered nothing short of a hate crime. 