Funny Status Messages

   Thanks for all the birthday wishes. I also accept gifts in the form of beer, casual sex and football tickets

   You know shes a stalker . . . . or a serial killer, if you wake up at 3 'o clock in the morning and shes staring at you. . . in the dark. . . . .and says. . . "You know that I love you right?"

   Whenever I see hitchhikers, I just pretend they're telling me that I'm doing a great job driving.

   A prostitute just told me she would do anything for $10... guess who just got their car washed!

   The only thing worse than the one that got away is the one that won't go away

   California leads the nation in Marijuana production and Bigfoot sightings. Coincidence? I think not.

   Whenever I see a lone female jogging at night I follow her in my car from a noticable distance because there are a lot of weirdos out there.

   Hey skinny guy having a Greek yogurt and Vitamin Water for lunch. I'd come punch you in the face but I don't want my fries to get cold

   I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.

   Seeing your ex with someone uglier than you. Awesome.

   Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don't understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.

   My mind and my body are starting to strongly disagree about how old I am.

   Square box. Round pizza. Triangle slices. I'm Confused.

   When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I get the sensation of chocolate covered toothpaste.

   Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I'm getting tired of running and he's catching up to me

   Phone on silent. 10 missed calls. Turns volume to loudest. Nobody calls All damn Day.

   I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It's H2OMG

   I'm sorry Febreeze.. I don't believe the commercials where you take the two blindfolded women into a crack house and the kitchen with the decaying meat tray and they smell Yosimte National Park.. :-/

   Daughter: iPod.... Son: iPhone.......Mom: iPad.......Dad: iPay

   OK England, we will see your wedding and raise you a funeral.