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Dear Starbucks and gas stations...it isn't a competition to see who can charge more. 
If I was a cab driver, I'd whisper "I could have kept you" to passengers before they got out.
if I ever win the lottery the first thing I'm gonna do is hire a priest, a rabbi and a minister to walk into bars with me
California leads the nation in Marijuana production and Bigfoot sightings. Coincidence? I think not.
Whenever I see a lone female jogging at night I follow her in my car from a noticable distance because there are a lot of weirdos out there.
The only thing worse than the one that got away is the one that won't go away
Whenever I see hitchhikers, I just pretend they're telling me that I'm doing a great job driving.
A prostitute just told me she would do anything for $10... guess who just got their car washed!
Hey skinny guy having a Greek yogurt and Vitamin Water for lunch. I'd come punch you in the face but I don't want my fries to get cold
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don't understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
My mind and my body are starting to strongly disagree about how old I am.
Square box. Round pizza. Triangle slices. I'm Confused.
I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.
Phone on silent. 10 missed calls. Turns volume to loudest. Nobody calls All damn Day.
When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I get the sensation of chocolate covered toothpaste.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I'm getting tired of running and he's catching up to me
Seeing your ex with someone uglier than you. Awesome.
My teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests.
Alright, who left the bag of idiots open..
Thanks for all the birthday wishes. I also accept gifts in the form of beer, casual sex and football tickets 