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People are always on the verge of telling everyone they’re on the verge of something. 
Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun?
I switched to midget p0rn to save space on my hard drive.
Pretty neat how I just lump breakfast, lunch, and dinner all in one meal and call it "drinking".
Just when you think you have the answer a woman will be there to change the question
Drank way too much beer last night. Didn't leave any for this morning.
Doesn't take a hero to order men into battle. It takes a hero to be one of those men who goes into battle -- N. Schwarzkopf
A pregnancy test that also tells who the father is. But instead of a stick, you pee on Maury Povich. Don't worry, he's into it. TRUST ME
I never borrow money from people because payback is a b*tch.
Kitchen utensil theft...................... it's not worth the whisk.
hopes the Halloween candy will last until Halloween.
All the hookers in NYC named Sandy...their rates just tripled!
Chairs outside a women's fitting room are usually leather, sitting on a tile floor. For easy clean-up after husbands commit suicide there.
They should change the name of Thanksgiving to something more fitting like say, Turkeypocolypse
The amount of people who confuse "too" with "to" is just two damn high.
Maybe we just need gun control for NFL players...
Never trust a diet program where the inventor posts only head shots of themselves.
Dear Coworkers, all I want for Christmas is you... to not talk to me before 9am.
Love is free. Loyalty is going to cost you.
I am a rare diamond, which you had previously mistaken for a very attractive piece of cut glass 