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I don't think marrying your best friend is such a good idea. Specially cause you're human and he's a dog. 
Kellogg's is considering taking "Rice" Krispies off the market....realizing the snap,crackle,POP ! has gone way too far ...
just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they are not out to get you.
I'm not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Pretty sure you could "pull life support" from me just by turning off the a/c
I think that a lot of conflict that happened in the Wild West could've been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Went to my niece's elementary school field day this week... I won every single event... Every... Single... Event.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions "urgent diarrhea" implies there's also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I've never had?.... IDK
♫♪ " ...It's beginning to look a lot like ̶̶C̶̶H̶̶R̶̶I̶̶S̶̶T̶̶M̶̶A̶̶S̶̶ El Niño, everywhere I go..." ♫♪
*Hospital front desk... "Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-"... *wife hits me.. "Baby delivery,, I mean she's here to deliver a baby"
No Miley, Santa doesn’t have a "twerkshop"
Why is that people who always demand respect have done the least to earn it?
The friend-zone is the only place that has more deflated balls than a patriots game.
Single Awareness Day ..... it's a S.A.D. day
If by "artist" you mean "good at drawing conclusions" then yes, I'm effing Picaso.
My son asked me what marriage is like, so I ignroed him and walked away.
My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.
some of you people are taking the term Fat Tuesday way too seriously
Don't speak unless you can improve the silence.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?" 