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Ask someone if they'll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend. 
As a man I accomplish 2 things well, 1. Fix things 2. Piss women off for trying to fix everything
Whenever I attend a wedding, to truly celebrate the anticipated short duration of the marriage, I throw Minute Rice.
Everyone always said that nothing about me would ever amount to much. I wish they could see my bar tab now.
It's not cheating if she's there too.
Hey, how about making a normal face when you sing?
Women are not complicated at all, except when they expect us to read between the lines.
My wife just called me stupid, then said she was going outside to catch some air. Air can neither be seen nor touched, and I'M stupid?
When I was born, the day I was brought home form the hospital my parents put up a sign on my bedroom door: "Checkout Time 18 Years"
I wonder if teachers play the “who's a virgin” game in their heads in class.
What's the largest "Jousting Lance" I can attach to the hood of my car,,,, legally?
I'm so lazy, I don't walk away from the troubles in my life, I just go to sleep.
One day you're the main suspect.....the next you're not even a person of interest.
It's almost that time of year where I don't have to feel weird about eating cookies shaped like people.
Facebook would be way cooler if it was on t.v. : “In other news Brian's ex-girlfriend is still a cold, heartless bi%ch. Details at 11″.
Facebook keeps offering to find my friends for me. Good luck, Facebook! See if you can find my dad while you're at it.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I wish someone could love me as much as I love looking forward to my next meal.
How many of these cats do I have to glue together before I have a tiger?
Syria says it will not use chemical weapons against its own people."No need really, Bombs and bullets seem to do the job just fine." 