Funny Status Messages

   Snuck a bunch of booze into work today using my stomach.

   It's gotten so bad here I can't remember the last time I made it past the first page.

   Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There's a nap for that.

   Starbucks is banning smoking within 25 feet of its stores. It's tricky since every Starbucks is 25 feet from another Starbucks.

   Don’t try to rush me while waiting behind me at a Redbox, I will read what every movie is about…twice

   I've already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I'm gonna "come on down" whether they call my fuckíng name or not.

   Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?

   Girls who say "thongs are more comfortable than regular panties" know that all men hear is, "I like things in my butt."

   The girls who don't get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.

   B*tch, you're not high maintenance. A Ferrari is high maintenance. You're just a pain in the ass, like an old Pinto.

   ''Please punch in your account number, phone number,and the last four digits of your social security, so I can transfer you so they can ask you for those same numbers again!''

   Many women say a guy who makes them laugh is all they want. They fail to mention all the things it takes to put them in the mood to laugh.

   ..... Geez ...... those movie critics in the Middle East are a tough crowd....

   Kanye West would be proud of the amount of times the two candidates interrupted each other tonight.

   I don't like morning people...or mornings...or people.

   I called my doctor and told her I have an erection that's lasted longer than 4 hours. We're meeting for drinks in 30 minutes.

   Every scary movie, for the rest of our lives, needs a scene explaining why no one has their cell phone.

   Santa is really going to love the cookies he gets from Colorado and Washington this year..

   My Boss Asked Me to Start The Presentation With a Joke. “I Attached My Payslip On the First Slide.”

   I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.