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a dyslexic man walks into a bra 
SAVE ELECTRICITY; You wouldn't like someone to turn you on & then just leave
I am not a magician, but I often suddenly appear in a cloud of smoke.
hey guys you can pretty much call a girl whatever you want as long as you put skinny in front of it
Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs.
Kind of shocked more professional fisherman aren't driving metal flaked vehicles as well.
Found some lovely shoes, almost new in fact, I don't know why anyone would throw them away. They were just sitting there outside the mosque.
Someone has stolen my wife's knickers off the washing line.............. They can keep the knickers but, please, bring back the 28 pegs.
If all men are pigs and they are all the same, then why does it take so damn long for women to choose one?
Today is the day in some households, that colored eggs get dumped in the trash. Because enough is enough.
I pooped in a plastic egg and put it in my neighbors bushes. Cant wait for his annoying kid to find it.
The US is ranked 25th in math scores...this isn't any surprise to me, our elected leaders can't even ballance a budget.
To the guy next to me at the rest-area urinal...The fact that you still have your sunglasses on kinda creeps me out.
I text my Ex yesterday and she didn't text back..Obviously she passed out of excitement!
It's dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
What hip hop music needs is more songs set in nightclubs. About nightclubs. Encouraging people to go to nightclubs.
Just saw a homeless guy wearing a Nickelback shirt. Further proof that listening to Nickelback leads directly to homelessness.
We live in a country where obesity is on the rise and skinny jeans are becoming a fad... I fear for the future.
Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
Here's wishing #Sandusky gets the "Jeffrey Dahmer" special 