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If my fortune cookie said "You will die a violent death today," I would still add "in bed" to the end and laugh. 
If you added up all the time you waste on Facebook, think how much TV you could watch.
Zombway....Eat Flesh.
When I was a kid my family was so poor that the only time we got to eat meat was when we bit our tongue!
You know you're high when you look in the mirror ..and your reflection is Charlie Sheen!
the story of the Good Samaritan was being told a Sunday school class. The teacher asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, wounded and bleeding, what would you do?' A thoughtful little girl broke the silence, 'I think I'd throw up!'
I'm putting together a crew for the Rapture, Just booked 4 Penske trucks for Sunday. I'm still in need of 2 drivers and 8 laborers. Meet me at the Wal-Mart parking lot at 6:00 AM Saturday, a BBQ will follow
The term “nymphomaniac” has been shortened to “college girls”.
note to self, next time at the sperm bank.. when offered 'adult materials', don't give a quick wink to the nurse and say "no thanks, I've got a great imagination".
Please tell your booty to stop calling me! Its over, it needs to accept it and move on.
According to NIKON'S latest commercial that I just watched, "Small is the new Huge!"......I know of a few guys that'll be THRILLED to hear that.
Can I be held legally responsible if someone gets injured while ROFL?
Valentine's Day was a lot of fun, but now what do I do with the body?
When the cop asked me to recite the ABC's I did it perfectly... He didn't particularly care for the "next time won't you sing with me" part though.
Googled a ninja school.. When I clicked on a page it said "Site not found."
HIM: “You look like a Barbie!” HER: “Thanks. You mean tall, slim and beautiful right?” HIM: “Hell no! I mean plastic and without a brain.”
please cover your mouth when you're talking to me. I think you have stupid and I don't wanna catch it.
Being able to say no is a talent.
Why can't Edward read Bella's thoughts? Because she doesn't have any.
Fine don't text me back then. It's not like I'm obsessively checking my damn phone or anything. 