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A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That's pretty far-fetched. 
So there I was, wanking myself off, when suddenly I thought "This prostitute is lazy".
When my boyfriend couldn't get me off last night, I slapped him in the face and yelled, "See! This is why you can't have nice things!"
I have not taken a shower since last year
I’m thinking about becoming an MMA fighter. What’s the tattoo minimum??
Have you ever had one of those moments when you look up and realize that you're one of those people you see on the train talking to themselves?
I just heard Beyonce might come back out on the field and sing, "♫♪♫ Can you pay yo Bills?, Yo Stadium Bills....♫♪♫ "
I know its early, but I wanna sneak off to the bar
I can't believe how strong the winds were last night. I went out to get my GF some milk and got blown into the f*cking bar.
My girlfriend says I shouldn't plan things so far in advance. Well, she's not my girlfriend yet.
34 days until the world ends. LETS GOOO
You want to see a perfect relationship? Watch a damn movie
I've been a HUGE fan of Bernie Sanders ever since he and Marty McFly went Back To The Future!
Monica Lewinsky is 42, how fast they grow up. It seems like only yesterday she was crawling on the White House floor and putting everything in her mouth.
But Officer, that's just my medicinal sawed-off shotgun.
Share this if you know someone who is alive today simply because you don't want to go to prison.
The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club
When picking up hookers, you never know what you will get. All you can do is hope for the breast and prepare for the wurst.
The only thing in Dora's backpack is a kilo of cocaine and a map to El Paso.
I find between 27-30 is a great age for men. You're still young enough to date college women...and old enough for their moms. 