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I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!". 
My friend said to quit hitting him. I told him those were fighting words!
a Guy to a Beggar: "I think you beg because you are just too lazy to find a job" Beggar: "I beg to differ"
It would be amazing if all restaurants had to end their URLs with ".nom"
I'm better at everything I don't get paid for.
I'm wearing one of those Chippendale bowties to make people wonder if my clothes are breakaway.
If you get sexted by someone you don't like...does that mean you got molexted?
I consider the word Dodge on the front of my truck fair warning to jaywalkers."
I used to be jealous of skinny girls until I realized they've probably never tasted bacon.
I'm going to start doing things WITH further ado......... Take that, ado haters.
They say your sex drive decreases with age. Yes, I may do less driving, but now I get better mileage.
If you are my girlfriend and you are too broke to buy me anything special for Valentine's, a cooked meal and you for desert will suffice.
In Canada, we don't divorce due to "irreconcilable differences" we just call it "liking different hockey teams"
the difference between rain in india and USA is that in USA the water disappears in 5 minutes. in india the road disappears in 5 minutes
Always be yourself, unless you can be a penguin. Then always be a penguin.
Will you be my girlfriend? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
Sex is a lot like air..You don't realize how bad you need it until you don't have it.
Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.
Where do you find a turtle with no legs? Right where you left it
I got a letter from the Origami Association this morning. I don't know what to make of it. 