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Don't you love it when you're ipod is about to fall, and your headphones saves its life. 
That moment of happiness when you find out that everyone hates the same person you hate
An Irishman walks out of a bar... No, really, he walks out.
My girlfriend yelled at me yesterday, "That's why we always fight...because you only hear what you want to hear!" "Thank you," I replied, "I HAVE been working out."
The planet Saturn = 7 rings, Michael Jordan = 6 rings, Kobe Bryant = 5 rings, LeBron James........... Just a headband
Friends are like trees. They both fall down after being hit multiple times with an ax.
Am I an a55hole because the cruise ship thing doesn't seem like a big deal? I mean, there's some rocks RIGHT THERE!
Pat and Vanna were drunk at the wheel
Most woman's G-Spots are located about two inches inside your wallet.
With the larger amount of stupid people I get to deal with on a daily basis, I thought lobotomies came back in style .
Did anyone ever consider Dr. Suess on some serious drugs when he wrote those books? A 6ft. Tall cat with a 2ft. Tall hat. I mean c'mon!
Fact: Pirates wore eye patches because it took a while to realize a parrot made a better shoulder pet than a cat.
Follow your heart ...but take your brain with you
Wow... I'm standing out on the ledge of my building, watching what looks like police and firemen trying to fit a trampoline through the front door! Pfft... Idiots!
Added to my bucket list today: Figure out what the hell 'Snow' is saying in the song 'Informer'.
I did a half hour on the treadmill each day last week. This week, I'm up to 1 hour a day. I'm slowly building up to actually turning it on some time in the future.
That episode of Star Trek where Superman goes on a blind date with Rosie O'Donnel is on. Also, how much NyQuil is too much?
Another day....another 0.256832% of a dollar
One in two people suffer from chronic suspicion. Could it be the person you're with RIGHT NOW??
"I'm not like most girls." -most girls 