Funny Status Messages

   I am known all over the world for my tendency to exaggerate.

   Cop: Do you know how fast you were going? Me: I was trying to keep up with traffic. Cop: There`s no traffic. Me: That`s how far behind I am!

   It's a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.

   Great, now I have to change my Halloween costume from Gadhafi to Zombie Gadhafi.

   It seems to me like Hoarders and Storage Wars could work something out.

   You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says "Drive faster and put me under the seat."

   When I die, I want to be thrown out of a plane over the ocean wearing a superman costume.

   just finished her first book!!! man, that was alot of coloring!!

   Biggest Social Networking Crime: You haven't seen someone for years; you vaguely recognize their name but not their face. They add you as a friend on Facebook and then after you accept them, you never hear from them again.

   Forgetting an email attachment is the 21st century's version of licking an envelope shut and then realizing you forgot to put the letter inside.

   I feel bad when I see a bug on my car when I'm heading to work. Even if the thing manages to hang on the entire way, it's still gonna be like, "Whew, okay, I didn't die. Now...where the F*CK am I?"

   I don't care what you think of me, because it can't be half as bad as what I think of you.

   Hates when she's singing along with the radio and the artist messes up the words!

   I work as a waiter and love it when people ask "How do you prepare the chicken?"I always reply "We tell it straight, you gonna die

   So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius.

   I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.

   I wonder if employees for pornography sites get into trouble for looking at non-related work websites during the day. We caught you misusing company time. CNN? Amazon? Bed Bath and Beyond? We're not paying you to look at that kind of crap.

   When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn't practice enough.

   I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notices that there's a new version of itself.

   Just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider's web.