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"It's complicated" is Facebook for "he's not hittin' it right." 
roses are grey. tulips are grey. violets are grey. cause I am a dog.
Instead of playing hard to get, play hard to forget.
It's not hard finding someone. What is hard is finding someone worth keeping.
Another sign the world is coming to an end: The Packers are losing and the Colts are winning.
That education connection girl couldn't have graduated because she is still in low budget commercials.
You may have come into this world kicking and screaming and covered in someone elses blood, if you continue to re-p ost this boring sh*t we will guarantee you leave here the same way.
"No" - Old Irish Proverb
They told me at work I was selected for a random drug test. I said "Oh Boy! Which ones to I get to test?!" Not smart. Not smart at all.
Tip: make your woman feel beautiful, but not so beautiful that she thinks she can do better.
When you're driving and Nicki Minaj is on all 2 radio station at the same time, there's nothing left to do except crash your car
PRO TIP: The easiest way to kill off mice in your house is to leave tiny motorcycles everywhere but no helmets.
Billion dollar idea: A phone that charges using body fat!
"Like a glow stick, sometimes we have to break before we shine."
When fat people spoon, is it called ladling?
In a desperate attempt to get the Republican nomination and to show he would be Hillary's best foe, Dr. Ben Carson changes his last name to Gazi
My sex tape looks like Stephen Hawking trying to pull himself out of a bathtub.
Dear lady in front of me,,, it's a speed bump, not a friggin land mine
Fellas; no amount of money or fame can ever cover up for the disappointment of a small d*ck.
If you can't be with the one you love, tolerate the one you're with. 