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Of course I'm out of my mind. It's dark and scary in there. 
how mad will you be when you find out all the herbs and spices in kfc is just salt
Beep...Beep...Beep....Would it be too much to ask for a smoke alarm to warn me of a low battery when the sun is actually up?! Beep...Beep...Beep....
..i thought it was sweet of my boss to gather us all together and warn us of the massive amounts of snow expected overnight and to drive carefully... then also warn us to "show up to work tomorrow or else". Aww they really DO care!
People say I have an attitude problem. I disagree. It's my attitude, but it's their problem!!!
My Nan has found a lump in each of her breasts. Turns out it was just her knees.
"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn" - my dinner.
thinks the new myspace sucks... then again, so does the old one... way to be consistent myspace
If your friends aren't making fun of you, they're not really your friends.
would explain my awesomeness to you, but your brain would just explode...
Conserve water on earth day, drink more beer....
Roethlisberger has been suspended, which means that the NFL has a stricter policy on sex abuse than the Vatican
If i'm ever sleeping and a bunch of Zs start coming out of my head, please call a doctor.
Politicians should serve two terms. One in office, one in prison
Dear Karma:U haven't been comin' round lately... I understand if u're too busy but I heard you keep missin' the person i've been talkin' bout... WHY?
wondering when dog food is new with improved tasting, who tests it?
just because you have one doesnt mean you have to act like one
Tom Brady says he refuses to watch Hard Knocks. He doesn't need to watch. The Patriots tape the Jets practices anyway.
Would you tap that???..I wouldnt even poke it on facebook!!!!
The Skort, skirt in the front, shorts in the back; it's like a mullet for your ass 