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I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson. 
Interview Tip: wear your tie around your head like rambo so they know you're serious about business
I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
So...how does this Bernie Sanders redistribution work? If I have $10 and my friend has $20, he has to give me $5, right??
K-mart is starting their Halloween sale. They have a lovely selection of Christmas trees.
throwing dollars at over weight strippers is my version of cow tipping
Wondering, Don't you idiot Desert Dwellers realize Americans are watching Football today and could give a $hit less about your protest.. @wasteofenergy
So I just saw a church sign that said "Why pay for GPS, Jesus gives guidance for free." Do you think Best Buy would match that?
If I eat a Chick-fil-a sandwich it doesn't mean I hate gays. If I eat a Jimmy Johns sandwich it doesn't mean I support the killing of exotic animals. All it means is I really like sandwiches.
AWE YEAH,,, I just washed my dog with Axe body wash... He's gonna to get ALL DA B!TCHES
Not all that glitters is gold. Take, for instance, glitter.
I blame everyone for my problems. Except Shaggy, Because we all know it wasn't him.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
I saw 2 flies screwing today..and I swatted them and said "If I can't, you can't either.
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
beating your meat as a teenager just prepares you for marriage...
WHY do men cheat? Seriously... One woman is expensive enough!
Instructions on how to keep an idiot busy: Read instructions again.
I saw a man in a dress, with a hearing aid, smoking a joint. One of those high deaf TVs.
Life is precious and short. If you have time today, make sure to tell your enemies to f*ck off before they die and you're too late. 