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throwing dollars at over weight strippers is my version of cow tipping 
Wondering, Don't you idiot Desert Dwellers realize Americans are watching Football today and could give a $hit less about your protest.. @wasteofenergy
So I just saw a church sign that said "Why pay for GPS, Jesus gives guidance for free." Do you think Best Buy would match that?
If I eat a Chick-fil-a sandwich it doesn't mean I hate gays. If I eat a Jimmy Johns sandwich it doesn't mean I support the killing of exotic animals. All it means is I really like sandwiches.
AWE YEAH,,, I just washed my dog with Axe body wash... He's gonna to get ALL DA B!TCHES
Not all that glitters is gold. Take, for instance, glitter.
I blame everyone for my problems. Except Shaggy, Because we all know it wasn't him.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
I saw 2 flies screwing today..and I swatted them and said "If I can't, you can't either.
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
beating your meat as a teenager just prepares you for marriage...
WHY do men cheat? Seriously... One woman is expensive enough!
Instructions on how to keep an idiot busy: Read instructions again.
I saw a man in a dress, with a hearing aid, smoking a joint. One of those high deaf TVs.
Life is precious and short. If you have time today, make sure to tell your enemies to f*ck off before they die and you're too late.
sick of all this Osama Bin Laden news already - OK, he'd gone, great. What do I have to do to get a Charlie Sheen update?!!
You really do need to quite teasing my with these pokes
My watch died at 11:30pm last night... It was the most incredible night of my life. At 3:00am I was still thinking it was 11:30. I was like "OMG the night still so young!!!!!" And kept on drinking... Yeah, I got home at 11:30pm, good girl!
The LA Dodgers are so broke, three players tested positive for Top Ramen
Do you want to mourn Steve Jobs? - There's an app for that, only $4.99 for the first month. 