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This just in: Notre Dame has made adjustments from last night’s scrimmage and is looking forward to the real game tonight… 
I've been living dangerously for the last couple of weeks. My girlfriend got a new cookbook for Christmas.
Well,,, You don’t see as many people in the third world with a ‘slow metabolism’??,,,, do ya!
I'm trying to save the world from the dangers of alcohol, one drink at a time.
The idiot in me likes you.
My girl sent me to the store to get her some pads. Brillo good?
You can stay, but your morals have to go!
n't sending a girl to drama class kind of like sending an Irish kid to drinking lessons?
How many "friend-zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.
Pants are for people with something to hide.
Just heard Yoga Pants are being re-designed to be less revealing. I'll be keeping an eye on that.
The problem with the general public is that it's made up of people.
Of all the people that ignore me... you're my favorite.
Have a status,leave one..need a status take one!
You can lose alot of money chasing women but you'll never lose women chasing money!!
Vuvuzelas are high-pitched, annoying and everywhere: the Justin Bieber of sports.
tired of reading statuses about octopus Paul. Bake him already!
When filling out Hello My Name Is name tags, I always put a question mark after my name
I'm in line at "the dollar tree" and a woman grabs a pregnancy test from the "impulse buy" section at the register. Who see's this in line, and thinks..."hey, I could use this for a buck" Your thoughts? Concerns?
Don't wear memorable shoes when you're going to take a dump in the grocery store bathroom. 