Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Dammit! I tried, I really tried, but Monday still found me. 
"I make six figures just about every year"-..................... In my unsuccessful mannequin business
Smoke alarms going off. Guess the wife's cooking is done...
The only people who get offended are hypocrites. And I'm happy to make them uncomfortable...
I went to the poles today.... well, they were stripper poles, but those girls got my vote.
Looking at those meteorite videos from Chelyabinsk. I have learned Russians have very bad radio stations....
That Russian meteor footage is anice reminder that we are flying through the universe in an organic spaceship with no roof
Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn't on purpose!
To avoid disappointment next year I will be renaming it. "Cook your own steak and watch me play candy crush day"
Nothing tells your friends you've made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.
If you text someone to tell them you’re standing outside of their house instead of knocking on the door, then you probably text too much.
Imagining the horrified look on your kid's face when you tell them "When I was born there was no internet".
did primary voters even google "Clinton"?
Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
I miss the days when getting tested just meant you were sleeping around.
What if we're not allowed to be happy until Jennifer Aniston is happy?
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. But smoking bacon will cure it.
I've been trying to decide if I care less about the royal wedding or the Laurel-Yanny nonsense.
Mom #1: That's it. I've had it. I'm selling my kid on eBay. Mom #2: Don't be silly. You made him. Sell him on etsy. 