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Don't talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza. 
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.
Thought I had a political tweet but it ended up being gas
Some of the happiest years of a woman's life are when she's 29.
R.I.P to any guy that ever cheats on Ronda Rousey
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a regular pigeon.
I'm disgusted when I see some old guy with a younger woman. Or a younger guy with a younger woman. Just couples. Or groups. Any person.
I tested positive for Facebook.
I just went to the sperm bank but I left. Too many jerkoffs.
When bad things happen to good people, I usually try to take a picture with my phone.
Coming to theaters on January 20, 2021: "Hey! Where's All My Free Stuff?" Tickets: $70. Popcorn: $55. Coke or Sprite: $40.
Sometimes I look at my friends and think to myself, "Where did I meet these crazy people?" But then I think "What would I do without them?"
I organized a 3 some last night. There were a couple of no shows but I still had a good time.
I sometimes choke on my food just so someone will hold me.
She lost her virginity in a high-stakes game of Just the Tip.
I wonder if that guy that got "mind strangled" on the Death Star ever reported Darth Vader to HR.
I'm sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
"Kicking ass and forgetting names!" - Alzheimer's Fight Club
it still considered a fart if there's debris?
When people tell me knock knock jokes I pretend I'm not home. 