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I molested myself last night. I said no but I knew I wanted it. 
Bruno Mars has the voice of an angel and the lyrics of a 13 year old girl.
Real Music died in the early 90's.
Those first two guys who thought Superman was a bird or a plane... ? What were they so excited about?
When the zombie apocalypse happens, I'm going to blast Michael Jackson's "Thriller", while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.
A BJ a days keep the sluts away from my man...
Ladies: Call a man up right now and say "I need some d!ck" I bet you he'll be knocking on your front door before you even hang the phone up.
Happy March 14th to all the MEN out there.... (not sure what it is?? GOOGLE IT)
To the person hacking up a lung in the cube next to me, will you do us all a favor and die already.
2011: Every day I'm shuffling. 1836: Each and every riseth of the sun I will be moving thy feet in a whimsical manner.
Can't wait until nothing happens on 12/21/2012.
My co-worker informed me that people raised with manners say “Please” and “Thank you.” So I responded “Please, shut the f*ck up, thank you.”
Ladies stop worrying about the quickest way to a mans heart and just give him a blow job already.
It's that time of the night again where I pick one of you lucky ladies selfies to jerk off to before I cry myself to sleep..
.... It turns out that Hillary Clinton has 21 media advocates on her campaign payroll. Isn't that kinda like having 21 Used car salesmen hired to sell one car?
Awkward moment when you just wanted a sugar daddy but becomes the First Lady of America!
when I was drunk, you were beautiful
Thanks to the BP oil spill in the Gulf, fish oil capsule supplements will now come in 3 sizes. 500mg, 1000 mg, and 10-W-30.
If BP needs a giant box to contain all the oil, they can call any of my ex-girlfriends.
When you have more moochers and looters (ppl who live off the government) than you do producers (working taxpayers), be prepared for your country to fall!! 