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All of my best ideas involve jail time. 
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, so are we dating yet??!
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more... unconscious.
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
Women are like Alarm Clocks. It's such a relief when they finally shut the hell up.
Bird took a dump on my car. So I waited until it left the nest and.... Oh man. You should have seen how confused the bird was...
When you click a button you didn't mean to click, so you just kinda hold the click and drag your cursor around hoping it doesn't click.
On my to the ER. I was preparing dinner and accidentally opened a can of whoop-ass.
Sex education, the ONLY class I ever did home work for!!
I've learned that sometimes I just have to check my ego at the door. Especially on such occasions when my ego won't fit through the door.
wondering what wine goes best with cheerios?
Every time I hear Earth Angel,,, I check my hands to make sure I'm not fading.
I don’t care how many weights you can lift. You’ll never be Badass as the 64yo lady that swam 110miles from Cuba to FL, pus%ies.
Think of a number. Double it. Add eight. Half it. Minus the number you started with. Close your eyes.... It's dark, isn't it?
If I got poked in real life as much as I get poked on Facebook, I'd be one happy woman and would never leave my room!!
If ESPN had a cake show, they could call it "Laying Down a Bundt."
~ A teacher at a school for overweight kids was fired for snorting cocaine. His massive pupils gave him away.
if the farmer is in the dell, who's tending the farm?
does not want to be bothered today...just tell everyone I'm hiking on the Appalachian Trail.
What is it with the absent reference status messages. When people say things like "I can't believe you would do that" or anything with "You know who you are." We don't and frankly, we don't care. It's just you posting your drama filled life up to generate 