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All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids 
Monica Lewinski's whole experience at the White House left a bad taste in her mouth.
I'm so tired of women accusing us men that all we do is scratch our ballz. We do not. We scratch the bag.
Heartache tonight. RIP Glenn Frey.
You look over-medicated. What's your doctor's name?
Just went down to get my driver's license renewed but this time I made sure I was drunk for the picture. Now if I ever get pulled over for drunk driving, they'll just think I'm spastic.
I hate getting old,,first you forget names,, then you forget faces,,then you forget to zip up your fly,, then you forget to unzip your fly....
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, so are we dating yet??!
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more... unconscious.
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
Women are like Alarm Clocks. It's such a relief when they finally shut the hell up.
Bird took a dump on my car. So I waited until it left the nest and.... Oh man. You should have seen how confused the bird was...
When you click a button you didn't mean to click, so you just kinda hold the click and drag your cursor around hoping it doesn't click.
On my to the ER. I was preparing dinner and accidentally opened a can of whoop-ass.
Sex education, the ONLY class I ever did home work for!!
I've learned that sometimes I just have to check my ego at the door. Especially on such occasions when my ego won't fit through the door.
wondering what wine goes best with cheerios?
Every time I hear Earth Angel,,, I check my hands to make sure I'm not fading.
I don’t care how many weights you can lift. You’ll never be Badass as the 64yo lady that swam 110miles from Cuba to FL, pus%ies. 