Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
So Siri is basically a chick that has no personality and claims to know everything? ...Sounds like my ex! 
My dog stared at me for 10 minutes. Then, like magic, I knew he had to poop. And now, I have my own psychic show on A&E.
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government
Do you look at a Doritos chip closely at how much flavor is on it right before you eat it? The more flavor, the better.
Happiness comes from the changes we make for ourselves, not the changes that people want from us.
Smoking doesnt kill people...People who are trying to quit smoking kill people
I did a striptease for my wife but it didn't go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she had left the room.
I fell asleep last night with my TV on watching a Jersey Shore marathon and this morning my Toshiba died of AIDS
Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.
i bought my mother in law a tv and furniture for her birthday...you shouldve seen her face when rent a center came and picked it up...yup she hates me
My Superpower is always picking a shopping cart with "the one crapped-up wheel" ..... Anyone wanna help me design a costume?
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
giving my liver a pat on the back, thanks for holding up this weekend
thinks Facebook needs another relationship status: commitment phobe
I know Floyd Mayweather likes to dodge but this is ridiculous!
's steadfast refusal to consume his meat has proven to be a significant impediment to his acquisition of pudding.
3 interviews lined up...woot woot, and they say there's no jobs!
Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your bf or gf wants 2 leave u, they should give you 2wks notice. There should b severance pay, and b4 they leave u, they should have to find you a temp!!
The first few people to join Facebook must have felt like pretty big losers. 