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Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control? 
I once dated someone for two months because I was drunk.
Fear does not prevent death. It prevents life
If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you're not doing it right...
"I'm an artist" is the best way to tell your family that you're unemployed.
Don't ever mistake me for someone who hasn't flirted with danger. I've got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
You're just once young but you can be a fool for the rest of your life.
If you don't think the dog licking the floor qualifies as mopping, then we can't be friends.
If you ever get stuck babysitting your nieces and nephews, be sure to give them each a 5-Hour Energy Drink before you give them back to Mom and Dad.
According to this BMI chart,,, I'm too short.
Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it's a survival thing.
The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".
Listen,,, any sport is dodgeball if you aren't very good.
The gotye concert was amazing. kept playing "Somebody That I Used To Know" over & over. Easy to go to the bathroom, concessions.. Would recommend
Nothing worse than getting drunk and slipping and falling into a relationship.
Never cut off the minivans, they have nothing to live for.
I'm so hungry I could eat a whole bottle of whiskey
A couple of my neighbors still occassionally say Hello to me. Apparently I'm doing something wrong
I just finished coloring Snooki's new book.
Shout out to my parents... BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY CAN HEAR ME. 