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If you hold up a Shell and listen, you should hear the clerk tell you that he doesn't want any trouble. 
So Not Paying Your Child Support CAN cost you Your Life!
Snow White is my favorite Disney movie about a man trying to hook up with a woman who just wants to sleep.
I bet Mary and Joseph were like "Gee thanks little drummer boy. Cause the one thing every sleep deprived parent wants for their newborn is a drum solo!"
Just because you call your kid an angel doesn't mean he is one. Lucifer was an angel too.
I farted on my wallet, now I have gas money.
Whenever I'm leaving the work bathroom and I see the cleaning lady waiting, we exchange the knowing look that I just crapped in her office
This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.
Don’t be stupid, if their ex is still calling its because they’re still getting an answer.
It's so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!
Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
10 yr old suspended from school for pointing finger like a gun. Where will this end? If fingers are outlawed, only 10 yr olds will have fingers.
My wife is breaking up with me because of my masturbation addiction… Boy do I feel like a big jerk.
Dating tip: Never let your girlfriend know you’re good at something you hate doing.
One man's women crush Wednesday is another man's throw back Thursday.
I lost one of mom's Tupperware at work and now I'm looking for a new family to adopt me.
My real superpower is guessing the weight of your emotional baggage.... HINT: It's more than you think
what I do when I black out is none of my business.
Put eyelashes on your car headlights so everyone knows you're out of your mind.
Sober me will always have your back….Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn f*cking a dolphin over a rainbow on your back. 