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Don't take life too seriously. Sometimes you have to learn to laugh at yourself. If not call me, I'll be glad to laugh at you :D 
There's a good chance you don't like me. But an even better chance I don't care.
"Ok just so I'm clear on this - this dog can bark for 11 hrs straight & only poops in other people's yards? I'll take it!" - my neighbor
Yo Instagram, I'mma let you finish, but Polaroid took some of the best pictures of all time.
If you've been married for more than 10 years,, You KNOW that Ken dolls are anatomically correct
When I die, I'm going to have the Tetris theme played at my funeral... just as my coffin is being lowered into the ground.
Nothing makes you look younger than an old photo.
Look, I only want what's best for me.
I have a feeling that this Philip Philips guy is going to be huge if he can just figure out a way to get one more Philip into his name
I hate long distance relationships , the fridge is so far from my bed
I just want a Christmas like we used to have with all of us together pretending we're enjoying it.
When I can't get an automatic faucet to turn on, I achieve a whole new level of low self esteem.
thought about being a gynecologist...i hear there's plenty of openings
I would play right field and scratch my balls every night for way less than 5 mil a year.
That time after the break up when your driving and the only radio stations you are left with are talk radio and mexican polka.
Biggest lie- I'm not drinking no more after tonight
Jessie is a friend. He has a pet squirrel that brings him tacos. You know, I wish I had Jessie's squirrel.
What's with all the lame Obama jokes now? He's not been President for over a week. He's gone.....
I'm having an old person moment....How do I work the camera on my microwave?
It's not called "Looting" .... Under this administration's politically correct policies .... it's called "Undocumented Shopping" 