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I'm a pair of skinny jeans short of a mid life crisis 
I'm happily married. - People who are new to Facebook.
If I was Adam, the world would still have 2 people cause Eve would've friendzoned me :(
Gee. And I thought twerking was short for Networking. That explains all the dirty looks I got at last week's staff meeting.
Have you ever noticed that farts are always blamed on ugly people.
How to spot single girls: If you hit on her and a man beats you, she has a boyfriend. If you hit her and she pepper sprays you, she's single.
WANTED: A meaningful overnight relationship.
Karma takes too long. I'd rather beat the sh*t out you now.
I never knew that Abraham Lincoln was such a badass, killing vampires and freeing slaves, I think he is my new favorite president, step aside Grover Cleveland.
We'll be with you soon, starving people of the world, first we need to fight over the ideologies of our fast-food restaurants.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
Dear sleep, I know we had problems when I was younger, but now I love you.
The sexual tension was so thick you could cut it with a phone call from the wife.
I should have ordered only half a horse. No way, I can eat all this..
I had mice in my kitchen til I replaced mouse traps with tiny notes that said,"I'll love you forever". They left me for my neighbor.
Never heard ladies getting so excited about something that is only 4 inches long.... Well done iPhone5.
The only thing that's clear to me right now is Vodka.
You say "love means never having to say you're sorry" What I hear is that essentially your love is a narcissistic sociopathic minefield.
Unless life also hands you water and sugar, that lemonade is gonna damn suck.
I bet I can stay drunk longer than you can complain about it. 