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I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the wierdest hairdos. 
It's so hot, I just saw a squirrel fanning his nuts.
was woken up again last night by the bulimic girl next door. I banged on the wall and shouted, "For f***s sake, keep it down!".
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me ;-)
Does anyone else see the irony that the game "Monopoly" is made by one company?
dressing up as antoine dodson for halloween. hide yo kids hide yo wife...
nicotine patches are great !! stick one of each eye and you cant find your cigarettes..
determined to break into the Porn Industry in 2010. I'm not going to listen this time to anyone who says I'm over qualified!
In Taiwan, marine biologists have discovered a crab that they say looks just like a strawberry, and by "marine biologists," I mean two guys on mushrooms.
It's Groundhog Day. But enough about the school menu.
Party every day that begins with the letter T. Tuesday and Thursday? Nah, TODAY and TOMMOROW! :)
..wonders why is there a man in the bottom corner of her TV playing charades?
You ever seen somebody so damn ugly the government should transfer their birthday to Halloween??....Yeah, me too.
In the past seven days, 1 friend of mine gave birth, 1 buried his father, 1 buried her brother, 1 died, 1 got divorced, 2 got married, 1 quit his job, 1 got fired and 6 celebrated birthdays. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm f*cking exhausted.
I finally got around to reading the story of the headless horseman.Up until now I always thought the story was about a horse rider that couldn't get a erection.
They say money can't buy happiness… but it can buy bacon, and that is pretty darn close.
Am I the only one that doesn't get that "2 iPhones walk in a bar" joke?
I shave my pubic hair for the same reason I don't put garnishes on food. It's not polite to make people push things aside to keep on eating.
This guy told me that he can see the future but he didn't even try to duck when I punched him in the face.
I went to a Mechanic when my car started making these awful noises but it just turned out to be Nickelback playing on the radio. 