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Anyone else think that facebook's picture for a woman who does not have a profile pic looks like Darth Vader... 
I hope Obama held the gun sideways when he shot Bin Laden.
Angry Birds suicide hotline, which level are you stuck on?
I'm changing my relationship status to 'It's complicated' ...I can never decide which hand to use
Fellas: When you are making love to your woman and she starts reaching for things that aren't there, then you know you are doing it right.
Need a distraction today? Not only does 11+2=12+1, but also when you rearrange the letters in "eleven plus two," you get "twelve plus one." How many letters in each phrase? Thirteen.
The closest that I've gotten to murder: Holding Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop
Yes, I talk to myself...Yes, I answer myself and Yes, I argue with myself....and the makeup sex is awesome.
Me and my friends were once in a band called 'Pubic Hair.' We were big in the 70's.
Dear sluts, This might come as a surprise to you, but your boobs go inside your shirt. Just kidding, show me your tiitties
Beyonce might be hot but underneath all thatt hair there will always be a little rubber band ball of nap.
I don't think I could ever stab someone. I can barely get the straw in the Capri Sun.
's sister asked if the dress she was wearing made her ass look big... I told her No!....it was all the crap she ate that made it look big
Common divorce : $10,000-$30,000, Box of 22 shells $7.28, You do the math...
My Nephew asked me about getting women .I said it helps if you are quite big down there and that maybe he should shove a cucumber down his pants.He came back to me and said all the girls laughed at him,Maybe I should have told him to put it in the front.
- Why pay for a comedian, when you can watch liverpool play football
Recently, my Visa card was stolen. Now, it's 'everywhere I want to be'.
I hate it when I run out of Staples. And so do their security guards.
Comparing Sarah Jessica Parker to a horse is insulting and lame. Horses are majestic, beautiful creatures unworthy of your contempt
I dont trust pregnant people. I have a feeling they're hiding something.... 