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Waking up to a "damn you" text message instead of a “good morning” one is surprisingly not that bad. 
I can't express my level of disappointment when I'm scrolling and see "Robin Hood:" and it's "Prince of Thieves" and not "Men In Tights"
Women may not hit harder, but we hit lower.
What a shock! Got a letter in the mail that read "If you ever want to see you're husband alive again, leave $100,000 in unmarked bills in the trash can on Darby Street". Seriously, does no one know the difference between 'your' and 'you're' anymore?
If I had an imaginary girlfriend, I would be smart and never let her die.
hope the women don't sue me for lying about my length too
Officer; "Sir, would you mind taking an alcohol test?" Me; "I have been testing alcohol all day so I don't see how one more test could hurt."
Girls who are easy on the eyes are usually hard on the balls and wallet.
"The Hangover Part 3" starring Prince Harry is now playing out in real life. Also you can now say every Ruler ISN'T 12 Inches LONG.
They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone's cell phone when they aren't looking is pretty good too ツ
I wanted you all to know that I'm here for you. If any of you need a kidney, I'd be more than happy to cut one out of a co-worker for you.
there a phobia for leaving the house when your phone isn't fully charged? There should be.
Honey, guys don't want to get with you because you're hot, they want to get with you because you're easy. Know the difference.
thinking...there are times not to flirt. When you're sick. When you're with children. When you're on the witness stand.
Who is ready to celebrate "No More Campaing" Adds on Wednesday? Ive got the beer!
Wear a smile. One size fits all
Honey, I'm lookin' at the 1,500 pictures of yourself that you posted on Facebook.. but where's the one of your self-respect?
If I win Power Ball tonight....I'll spend the rest of my life in my whitie tighties judging people on the internet. So basically same thing just $550 million richer.
Nothing makes me happier at work than walking into the bathroom and all the stalls are empty.
Every time I do a good deed, something bad happens. 