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In a public restroom I found a sign that read "THINK" on the mirror above the sink so I labelled the soap dispenser "THOAP" to match with it 
why can't Twitter just die already?
Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?
You know you're watching too much TV when you start recognizing commercial actors from other commercials.
Want World Peace?? Replace oxygen with Helium. Who could stay mad at someone that sounds like a Chipmunk?!?
glitter is the herpes of the arts and crafts world! You just can`t get rid of it once its on you
Pessimism is great, You are either always right or pleasently suprised.
has heard that love makes the world go round... but so does tequila!
put my purse on the passenger seat and the passenger seatbelt light came on. Think it's time to clean out my purse??
such a beautiful day, not a sky in the clouds!!
a little voice inside of me that telling me to lose weight. I just shut him up with about 4 cookies.
I think the sudden stardom of Justin Bieber marks the beginning of the apocalypse.
wifes cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
Life is full of up's & down's, so UP the music & DOWN the Tequila
My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's pissed that I beat him to it. I put mine up three years ago.
I've reached the most difficult moment in parenting: explaining to my son why the first Star Wars movie is Episode 4.
There's this app on my phone that makes me look ugly. It's called "Camera."
How about adding "Be a nice person" to your bucket list. Any as*hole can jump out of a plane.
Making a million friends is not a miracle. The miracle is to make a friend who will stand by you when millions are against you.
Can someone please explain why I have to pay full price for Swiss Cheese 