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All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now 
why can't Twitter just die already?
Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?
You know you're watching too much TV when you start recognizing commercial actors from other commercials.
Want World Peace?? Replace oxygen with Helium. Who could stay mad at someone that sounds like a Chipmunk?!?
glitter is the herpes of the arts and crafts world! You just can`t get rid of it once its on you
Pessimism is great, You are either always right or pleasently suprised.
has heard that love makes the world go round... but so does tequila!
put my purse on the passenger seat and the passenger seatbelt light came on. Think it's time to clean out my purse??
such a beautiful day, not a sky in the clouds!!
a little voice inside of me that telling me to lose weight. I just shut him up with about 4 cookies.
I think the sudden stardom of Justin Bieber marks the beginning of the apocalypse.
wifes cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
Life is full of up's & down's, so UP the music & DOWN the Tequila
My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's pissed that I beat him to it. I put mine up three years ago.
According to astronomy, whenever you wish upon a star, you're actually a few million years late. The star is dead. Just like your dreams.
Just once, I'd like to see Punxsutawney Phil open a can of whoop-ass on the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.
Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.
The media is a weapon of mass destruction....
Dear teeth whiteners. .. you have a set of teeth on the bottom too.. you're like the guys at the gym that don't do legs.. 