Funny Status Messages

   why can't Twitter just die already?

   Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?

   You know you're watching too much TV when you start recognizing commercial actors from other commercials.

   Want World Peace?? Replace oxygen with Helium. Who could stay mad at someone that sounds like a Chipmunk?!?

   In a public restroom I found a sign that read "THINK" on the mirror above the sink so I labelled the soap dispenser "THOAP" to match with it

   All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now

   During sex you burn as many calories as running 8kms. Who the f*ck runs 8kms in 30 seconds?!

   One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

   Can someone please explain why I have to pay full price for Swiss Cheese

   They call themselves political “parties” because they expect the working class to clean up the mess after they've had their fun.

   I've reached the most difficult moment in parenting: explaining to my son why the first Star Wars movie is Episode 4.

   There's this app on my phone that makes me look ugly. It's called "Camera."

   How about adding "Be a nice person" to your bucket list. Any as*hole can jump out of a plane.

   Making a million friends is not a miracle. The miracle is to make a friend who will stand by you when millions are against you.

   Life is full of up's & down's, so UP the music & DOWN the Tequila

   My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's pissed that I beat him to it. I put mine up three years ago.

   glitter is the herpes of the arts and crafts world! You just can`t get rid of it once its on you

   Pessimism is great, You are either always right or pleasently suprised.

   I hate it when you hang out with MC Hammer, and he never lets you touch anything

   has heard that love makes the world go round... but so does tequila!