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I challenge you to name a more frightening experience than seeing a police car make a u-turn behind you 
In memory of the fallen Marines who were killed. You've served well and won't be forgotten. Rest in Peace Marines and Semper Fi!!
The new gas process. Step 1 enter credit card. Step 2 enter annual salary. Processing... Loan approved, you may now fill your gas tank. Have a nice day.
If you think your dog can't count, try putting three dog treats in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?
You know you're watching too much TV when you start recognizing commercial actors from other commercials.
Want World Peace?? Replace oxygen with Helium. Who could stay mad at someone that sounds like a Chipmunk?!?
why can't Twitter just die already?
In a public restroom I found a sign that read "THINK" on the mirror above the sink so I labelled the soap dispenser "THOAP" to match with it
During sex you burn as many calories as running 8kms. Who the f*ck runs 8kms in 30 seconds?!
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now
I've reached the most difficult moment in parenting: explaining to my son why the first Star Wars movie is Episode 4.
There's this app on my phone that makes me look ugly. It's called "Camera."
How about adding "Be a nice person" to your bucket list. Any as*hole can jump out of a plane.
Making a million friends is not a miracle. The miracle is to make a friend who will stand by you when millions are against you.
Can someone please explain why I have to pay full price for Swiss Cheese
They call themselves political “parties” because they expect the working class to clean up the mess after they've had their fun.
glitter is the herpes of the arts and crafts world! You just can`t get rid of it once its on you
Pessimism is great, You are either always right or pleasently suprised.
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